K.'s darling diary!

hi guys... so so sorry i disappeared for 3 weeks.. my explanation is that honestly so much shit happened in july for me it's such a blur for me now like seriously so so much happened.. and i had my midterms and it was a mess and now i have to do work to fix my scores for some subjects T__T

if anyone wanted an update on my complicated situation that was mentioned in my last entry, good news, things are better now. creeps online really do fucking suck tho. please do not have an optimistic attitude towards actually really creepy and weird people you've met on the internet. please trust me on this.

anyways so i managed to get back to studying again at the study space FINALLY!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAHHH SMALL PROGRESS IS STILL PROGRESS GUYS LITTLE STUDYING IS BETTER THAN NO STUDYING AT ALL. however i rlly need to add in more hours for french because yesterday we had free extra french lesson and i could not keep up Unfortunately. But oh well. atleast i went.

ALSO ANOTHER THING THAT HAPPENED WAS IM NOW A RETURNEE ON HONKAI IMPACT 3RD..... (you become a Returnee after not logging into the game for a while like 15+ days) SO UH YEAH THAT'S PROOF THAT SO MUCH HAPPENED IN MY PERSONAL LIFE IN JULY I WAS SO BUSY I COULDNT EVEN LOGIN TO HONKAI.

AND!!!! I DISCOVERED NMIXX!!!! HONESTLY FUCK THE HATERS, THEIR MUSIC IS ACTUALLY NOT BAD AT ALL. AND THE MEMBERS ARE EXTREMELY TALENTED LIKE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM CAN SING VERY WELL LIKE HELLOOOOO!!! so if you are looking for a k-pop group to stan, NMIXX is no.1 on the list definitely. they are everything like they can ALL sing very well, they can all sing live aswell and are excellent performers and their music is great to me!!!! CHECK THEM OUT PLS I REALLY RECOMMEND LISTENING TO "LOVE ME LIKE THIS" FIRST

also!! anxiety fucking sucks!!!! and bpd!!!! i'm not professionally diagnosed for bpd, but my behavior and sense of self was Erm Spiraling since i was very young i will Not get into the specifics of that so i hope you can take my word for it and know that i am serious and not lying like this started since i was very young. But yeah anxiety and bpd fucking suck, i always own up to my wrongs and shit after my breakdowns of course but jesus christ its so painful when you're in the process of spiraling and everything hurts and you're so anxious over shit. and you KNOW you're not a horrible person, but sometimes you really come off as shitty during your breakdowns. ugh and it's really hard to explain this to others and when i try to write a coherent explanation i always end up sounding super selfish and all up in my feelings. sigh. i'm not sure if any of you guys reading this also struggle with anxiety or bpd, but if you happen to, just know you are not alone and you're not a bad person at all. you're going to be okay. we are going to be okay.

lastly i will add the rest of my mutuals' buttons on my index page very very soon dw guys if you're reading this, i've already visited your sites and i rlly do like them!!! honestly very interesting that every!!! moot of mine has very great websites like!!!! but yeah i will do that after i wake up bc its like 2 am right now zzzzz

TLDR: a complicated situation happened with another different person in my life after my previous entry and im just venting abt it below. read with caution its embarrassing and i seriously dont want your view of me to be bad bc i swear im just venting. but yeah im gonna start going back to my site's purpose which is logging my productivity and studying soon, i said this before I Do Not Know when but SOON and after this entry FOR REAL THIS TIME.

ok so idek where to start. so like yeah whatever after my previous entry i srsly could be alone and just enjoy time with my friends. WHICH I DID. BUT THEN SOMETHING COMPLICATED HAPPENED, WHICH AGAIN I UNFORTUNATELY CANNOT SPILL HERE. I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE HERE READING THIS AND R PROBABLY LIKE "girl what- im confused- what are you talking about like" BUT NAH I SRSLY CANT TELL YOU. BUT IT IS COMPLICATED AS HELL. AND THE GIST OF IT IS.. i keep hurting myself, like shooting myself in the foot over and over for some reason, and idk why i keep doing that, definitely abandonment issues coming into play AGAIN... LAWD... BUT....WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THAT PERSON.. i knew it was impossible but i still kept fighting and for what??? now i'm just hurt all over again. and because of what. myself. whose fault is it? myself. OH MY GODDDDD I HATE MYSELF

AND FOR THIS SHIT TO HAPPEN RIGHT AND I MEAN RIGHTTT BEFORE MY MIDTERMS IS FUCKING CRAZY. NOW I JUST SLEEP ALL DAY INSTEAD OF STUDYING. goddamn.

i seriously need to stop relying on someone and hoping that everything between us will be okay because that's just like putting myself into a saw trap willingly. (skull) it felt good at first but in this specific situation something happened that made me hurt so, so fucking bad. like i can never confess to them abt why im so uncomfortable rn. i can never. and it fucking hurts. it hurts so bad. i don't want to hurt myself like this again. and my anxiety isn't helping me.

atleast they helped me heal. and i also helped them heal too, to an extent. idk what i'll do next in this relationship, all i know is i just cannot bring myself to talk to them rn.

but i hope everything will turn out alright for us without me having to confess to them. pls guys pray that everything will work out for me in this relationship pls THTDGTHGFGH

something i wish i can say to them: im literally so much better than that creep but us being together is probably impossible anyway so.. despite me once willing to try to fight for you, do everything for you, i think i have to stop now. continuing that would only make myself more and more miserable. i hate lying. i don't want to lie to you. i just hope you have a realization and end everything with that creep yourself. i rlly wish i could tell you everything i want to say to you right now but ultimately it's not my job to control your life like that. so, i hope you'll stop hanging out with that creep very soon.. and.. just know that.. there is always someone here who loves you and is willing to give you whatever because despite everything, i still believe you deserve all the good in this world. i still love you. but i'm gonna have to step away for now. i'm sorry.

anyway if you read this.. don't worry, my diary won't be full of shit like this again hopefully. i don't want my diary to turn into this, i want to go back to when i was complaining about my french teacher and study everyday again LOL. i don't ever wanna lose my true purpose here.

HELLO OMG TODAY SERIOUSLY HAS BEEN THE MOST CRAZIEST DAY OF MY LIFE HOLY SHIT LMFAO SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. UNFORTUNATELY I CANNOT SHARE ANYTHING ABT IT HERE BC ITS WAY TOO PERSONAL AND TOO MUCH. BUT LONG STORY SHORT IM ALONE AGAIN. BUT IM NOT SAD ABT IT LIKE I WAS 2 ENTRIES AGO, I THINK IM RLLY HEALING NOW AND I DONT NEED ANYONE TO MAKE ME FEEL WHOLE AGAIN. I JUST WANNA SHARE MY HAPPINESS WITH MY FRIENDS.

ALSO OMG NICKI ANNOUNCED HER NEXT ALBUM ITS COMING NOVEMBER 17TH AND ITS CALLED PINK FRIDAY 2

just wanted to come on here n say.. im so much happier rn! i'm in a much better place than i was from my previous entry.. i'm so grateful for everything good that's been happening to me!!

also please stream Kim Petras' debut album called "Feed The Beast"! it's absolutely perfect for you if you've been looking for some girly and actually fun pop songs!!! there's also some very meaningful and touching deep cuts there too! might write a review and ranking of the tracks soon!

a song that perfectly describes my mood rn: Nicki Minaj - Favorite (feat. Jeremih)

hey guys, i didn't make an entry last week bc ive honestly been tired and shit kept happening and making me distraught when i tried to study, so yea i didn't really feel like it. but it wasn't an extremely bad week dw (: it was just... eh... i wasn't productive during it at all. :/

this week has been.. okay. i have to walk as exercise for my school and my friends consider me as a very fast walker hehe. walking is a legitimate exercise guys i'm telling you!! it really does help you. i still don't vibe with my french teacher tho. i don't like their vibes. something abt them is so annoying. like they only ever talk to my loud extroverted classmates (as they should tho i love my loud classmates) but like they would side eye me and look at me and other ppl who r more quiet weird. it's like they expects us to know everything and if we don't we're annoying peasants. it's rlly weird. like atleast try to teach???? LMFAO????

also, i added a music player! pls feel free to turn it on while you tune into my entries. i feel like i should add more sad songs tho lol but yeah the 4 songs here rn are what i felt fit my site's vibes the most rn!! and don't worry!!! i download LOONA's songs off of unofficial souncloud reupload accounts, so no money will be going to BBC playing them here!! (basically LOONA's company BBC rlly fucking sucks)

CW: i mention abandonment issues and my emotions here in the following 2 paragraphs so if you don't wanna read abt it, just know i'm rlly struggling w it currently this week and skip

sooo, something rlly bad that happened this week was my abandonment issues resurfacing. it all started when this week i found out someone who was my online friend suddenly unfriended me. idek when it happened. but it did. and something abt it broke me, like we were good friends. then i kinda started to spiral. because it reminded me of my many failed online friendships where those people also left me.

i tried going in depth about the abandonment issues writing abt it here but i couldn't finish the first few sentences of the paragraph. it just feels so so uncomfortable for me, and that's also another problem. i watched tarot card reading videos to honestly seek some guidance and they kept telling me the same shit that i'm very scared and hesitant and very emotionally closed off. and that i should work on myself. i honestly don't know. i just need someone who tell me they really love me and will never ever leave me. i don't want to be left alone like all those times. again. it's really painful even if it's online. i don't want to be left alone. and i literally have no time to work on my emotions. my emotions are honestly really contradictory - they spill and change soo quickly but yet i always try to bottle it up and never talk about it to anyone. and when i do talk about it to my best friend, i feel like i'm burdening them and i feel sorry. but yes yes i know that it's okay to open up and all that but i feel like my mind refuses to believe that sometimes. i just really need someone to make me feel good and not empty again. idk.

anyways, you may have seen a new link in my new index page called Music - i'll be sharing my favourite music there, probably mostly scenecore music, and if you didn't know, they contain quiteee graphic lyrics.. but this music has always helped me since march this year so. i'll be making a big warning on the page when i set it up, and then you guys can choose whether to check the music out or not.

anywho.. i can't promise when i'll get to being productive again. but i can tell you guys one thing: i will never give up the true purpose of this site, and you guys vibed with my site and my purpose here, so i'll be productive academically again and update again eventually. hopefully next week.

<3

well this week was... boring. sorry this entry isn't as interesting guys HHDGDHFG but honestly i think this was good that everything was so boring at school cuz theres nothing to worry about.... YET... aheheh... and there was NO GROUP WORK IN MY FRENCH CLASS THIS WEEK THANK GOODNESS... but this coming week? who knows... Anyways... I lost the 50/50 to Clara on Silver Wolf's banner on Wednesday... I was disappointed cuz like I ALREADY HAVE MULTIPLE TANKSSSS (gepard and fire trailblazer)... and Clara is a tank.. but apparently shes moreso like a Bruiser than a pure tank? cuz she does deal dmg when she gets hit so that's interesting. and I FOUND OUT MARCH 7THS SHIELD MAKES WHOEVER HAS IT GETS HIT MORE??? HELLO??? SO SHES LITERALLY NOT A GOOD SHIELDER AND SHES CLARAS BEST SUPPORT OMG... (not saying march is bad AT ALL btw. but her shield DOES make the person who has the shield gets hit a lot more so shes not the best shielder if you don't have Clara imo) but YEAH... I'm just slowly farming shit in the game, I unfortunately dont have the patience to farm Relics rn, have no idea how ppl r already farming many 5 star relics like they rlly must've been playing for hours everyday cuz how else...

i guess another positive thing that happened is that I was having a lot of fun playing honkai impact 3rd's latest event, it's focused on TeRiRi and I LOVE TERI!!!! I LOVE THERESA APOCALYPSE SOOOO MUCH!!! Fun fact btw Nahida was based off of her. I LOVE TERI AND NAHIDA SM. but yeah the event is like Candy Crush and its so fun to me LOLLL

also on friday I just literally camped in the study space.. even brought my little soft pink blankie.. and I left for an hour to go eat some sushi.. and I studied French for 2 hours. and I think I know how to get better at French now. I just have to seriously do exercises blind and thennn watch the videos about the answers. I believe I'm improving guysss!!!

and lastly something made me extremely mad this weekend but i wont talk about it here cuz UGHHHHHH it makes me so mad but yeah thats about it guys ttyl :P enjoy this picture of kiana's catgirl outfit her outfit is literally catgirl excellence (pardofelis is too but yes)

https://i.imgur.com/yALganO.jpg

also i'm thinking of making shrines!!! one for teri/kongming from honkai impact 3rd, one for xiao, and another for... cats? owo meow? maybe pardofelis from honkai impact? idk. but idk how long it will take me to make just one so uh just stay tuned ig HAHA | ALSO HEWWO TO NEW MOOTS U GUYS R SO COOL SERIOUSLY |||

happy june and happy pride guys!!! i hope you're all doing well.

FIRST OF ALL!!! I FINISHED MY ABOUT ME PAGE!!! PLS PLS GO CHECK IT OUT!!! CLICK "WEBMASTER" IN MY NAVIGATION TAB!!!

second of all, i went to go see spider-man: across the spider-verse this past friday with my friends and it was SOOOO GOOD. the animation was amazing as always. i highly recommend!

thirdly, i don't know what to write about for this entry... :( the week that had just passed.. it's been quite a blur to me. probably because today (monday) is a holiday and i got to stay at home and not go to school, so my mind had been focusing on that and like using this long weekend to rest. which i did! i rested during this long 3 day weekend. but yeah. lately i've just been feeling so... lonely? like... i'm absolutely always grateful for my lovely friends who've always stuck by my side.. i truly am. i feel so grateful and so loved when i think about them. but.. recently at random moments i just feel so lonely i wanna cry. it could be my depression acting up but idk. i just feel.. bad...

during one of those moments, i discovered this song it's called "K." by Cigarettes After Sex. well technically not discovered, because i had heard this song before just as a short spedup tiktok audio,, but i never listened to the original full version, so i did today and.. i love it. i know like nothing about cigarettes after sex but i love this song now. i love how it's quite slow and long. i get to fully enjoy this song. and the song title is my name. aheh. although it is NOT short for kristen. it's short for.. something else. i also listened to Norman Fucking Rockwell! the album by Lana Del Rey today, and it's such a heavenly album. i love how cohesive this album is. i LOVE LOVE LOVE cohesive albums, like Charmbracelet is my favourite Mariah Carey album because it's just so cohesive and lovely aside from Through the Rain but that's literally it. anyway, i totally understand why lana stans think this is her best album now tbh. it's just very cohesive and has aged so so well. my favourite song from the album right now is probably Happiness is a butterfly. Cinnamon Girl is probably the best song from the album tho.

this album alongside the aforementioned song K. has helped me cope and feel better during these moments where i suddenly feel so alone.

anyway.. that's all i felt like talking about today. i have to go to school tomorrow. i have to pick myself back up.

P.S. changed the font for the diary! to make it feel more.. handwritten? i don't write like this font but i really do feel like it captures my personality with all the little hearts!! ||| don't worry i'm not used to seeing this font either lmao but hey its cute right? :D meow!!! AND GO CHECK MY WEBMASTER PAGE NOW!!!

OK SO UPDATE ABT HOW THE PAST FEW DAYS OF MY WEEK WENT... surprisingly things worked out!!! for my group work situation. i still don't like how lazy the teacher is w just giving us handouts and expecting us to magically know how to answer everything perfectly in perfect grammar but ok.... but i honestly rlly enjoy spending time with my group! they are so so sweet hshshd they really make this whole class sm better i love them. and as for the essay writing group work (this work im in a different group so not with the very sweet nice ppl) apparently we r gonna do it class by class so we will see what happens. i still hate how one of them is like so.. entitled tho. and i'm not saying this in a presumpturous assuming bitchy way like genuinely we share the same close friend group and i really know how they're like and when we work together its so awkward jesus. but whatever man, things will work out hopefully. it's just the one thing i don't like about them, and that's alright. it's healthy to not put people even your close friends on pedestals.

on saturday i had to do french group work with my group and again it was a peaceful and nice time. i really enjoy having them around so so much. then on sunday (today) i had another french lesson. i joined like 5 mins late so i felt like i was scrambling trying to catch up with the writing at times, but again the teacher explained everything really nicely so it wasn't horrible or anything. now, i'm thinking of signing up for another course for social studies + my native language. surprise? idk if anyone who's reading this thinks i'm british or australian or sumthin but nahh haha i'm asian :p if you want to see what country just keep reading

so yeah i signed up for the course today and now i'm really gonna take accountability and start actually doing shit because for the past 2 weeks i've been sorta resting, first week was well justified bc i found out i had anxiety bruh. but now i think it's enough. I have courses ready, now it's just up to me to spend my after school hours wisely. since i'm really starting from barely anything i'm gonna start from studying 50 mins/10 min break and see how it goes. and i'm also gonna set small goals here for myself:

☐ drink lots of water (finish water bottle)
☐ study french 50/10
☐ study thai 50/10
☐ study social studies 50/10
☐ charge tablet and powerbank

NO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES!!!! JUST DOING HONKAI IMPACT AND HONKAI STAR RAIL AND GENSHIN DAILIES AFTER REACHING ALL OF THESE GOALS.OK. NO!!!! WASTING!!! TIME!!! ON TWITTER!!! OR DISCORD!!! ALL OF THOSE THINGS CAN WAIT!!! JUST FARM ON HONKAI STAR RAIL DURING YOUR 10 MIN BREAK NOTHING ELSE

i'm gonna be keeping track of these goals everyday on a new section of my website called "productivity"!!, i'll also be making some countdowns for days until important exams and stuff. and you might be thinking "but notes app exist-" "but notion exists-" NO. this is MY website ok ヽ(#`Д´)ﾉ /ᐠ - ˕ -マ Ⳋ

anyways, that's about it. i also started playing an old game i used to love playing called star stable but i didnt really do much i just bought one of the newer horses the game released and some tack that's about it. and you might be thinking.. a catgirl playing a horse girl game...? the math aint mathing. well you see i can't afford horse lessons irl so i lived vicariously thru this game for a bit years ago (๑•̀ㅁ•́๑)✧ i love cats and horses sooo much! but i'm more of a catgirl than a horse girl like i've never ridden a horse irl sadly... but i have seen them irl, they are so beautiful and gracious. but i personally just identify with cats more. kay. why am i even explaining this it's not a serious part of my identity anyways but yea now you know i like a horse riding game yaya

ok now THAT'S ALL... i hope you guys had a good week, and hopefully this following week will be an even better one for us! and enjoy this cute pic of this room full of cats >w<

P.S. I PUT THIS SELF-INSERT WEBRING THINGY ON MY PAGE NOW!! AND DW IM NOT OBSESSED WITH DANGANRONPA I ALREADY HAD MY DANGANRONPA PHASE 2 YEARS AGO LOLOL ITS JUST IF THERES ONE FICTIONAL CHAR I WANNA TRULY BE MARRIED TO AND WHERE PPL CAN SEE IT ON AN ONLINE WEBRING ITS GOTTA BE IZURU GUYS... IM SORRY IF U HATE HIM I REALLY LOVE HIM HES EVERYTHING TO ME...

oh man if this is the first entry you've read here im so sorry.. T_T warning i'm gonna sound miserable and irrationally angry but i'm really not a horrible person i promise i just need to vent

so to update about what happened on the weekend, it was actually a very fine weekend actually!!! saturday was just me resting, and on sunday i had to attend a class for a level french stuff. the class went really well, i really love how the teacher explained everything and didn't rush or anything!!! i felt happy i was able to understand most things. i just need to work on my foundation, really get the basics down so i don't forget anything and accidentally lose a point. it was very productive!! i'm so glad my friend recommended this place to me!!

then this week, during one of my ****** classes (i have multiple) i had to do group work AGAIN. we had to do group work last week on friday but i didn't think it was a big deal until i realized this week that it's gonna be like this EVERY. SINGLE. CLASS. EVERY SINGLE WEEK. AND YK I am seriously so blessed that the ppl in my group are super kind and nice and lovely like we are all seriously super chill with each other!! and there's no pressure on anyone. except well the one the teacher puts on us every single fucking class. i'm sorry but this is such a fucking lazy way to teach kids. you just give out handouts and force people into groups and expect all of them to know every definition of the words on the page, what all the questions mean and how we'd totallyyyy all be able to write amazingly for an A+? honestly fuck you. you don't even help translate, you just expect the kids to translate everything themselves and automatically know everything. And be able to write amazing essays to get A+ on every handout. are you fucking kidding me? i mean i get it it's my fault for not paying much attention last year, but even my friends who are in my group who did pay attention and even now they don't know EVERYTHING. like this is so fucking ridiculous. if you want to make the kids do ALL the work ALL the studying with you not helping just FUCKING SAY SO!!!!!!!!!!

and i've been arguing with my dad sm more often nowadays. i keep telling him i want to get into either language arts or film school and he was so against film school and said i should get into polsci when i LITERALLY FUCKING SUGGESTED THAT FOR YEARS. YEARS AGO!!!!!!! AND WHAT DID HE SAY DURING THOSE YEARS? THAT IF I GOT A GOVERNMENT JOB AFTER THAT I WOULDNT BE MAKING MUCH MONEY!!! BUT NOW WHATS HE SAYING? HES SAYING I COULD GET INTO AN OVERSEAS POSITION AND MAKE LOTS OF MONEY!!!! YOU'RE JUST FUCKING TELLING ME THIS NOW? WHILE I CLEARLY CURRENTLY SHOW NO INTEREST IN POLSCI?

...

and that's not all ! now i have to do a group project and i have to write a 20-30 page essay with 2 friends and one of them is already trying to sound sooo better and sooo productive i literally want to kay m y es seriously i fucking hate this i hate this week

OMG FIRST ENTRY PUBLISHED THE DAY OF INSTEAD OF 1 AM THE FOLLOWING DAY? YASSS HAHAHA

so uhh kinda bad news and good news? bad news is i'm probably not gonna make an entry here everyday. instead, every few days! cuz its honestly quite tiring to have to try to find something interesting to write here everyday. silly things happen everyday but i just don't feel like i have to post about it here, yanno? i want people who find my website to tune in every week and read meaningful entries. but anyways, lemme tell you how my days have been and why today was a very good day -

first, good news!!! my anxiety hasn't been worsening!!! yaya!!! it's slowly getting better. i'm trying my best to eat more everyday. and i am so grateful that my irl friends care a lot about me!!! one of them is super super kind and smart and has been asking me about how it's going. i really hope i will be able to eat normally and fast soon.

so the 17th was a day off for me bc it was a national holiday, and i just spent the whole day resting and taking naps. i really did need rest after the shit that happened the day before. (see previous entry for context). the 18th was.. well, a day. nothing too interesting happened either. the teachers were telling us about what we are gonna learn blablabla. WAIT. I NOW REMEMBER. SO I PLAY THIS GACHA GAME CALLED HONKAI IMPACT AND I FULLY GEARED PROMETHEUS!!!! I WAS SO LUCKY TBH HAHA!! AND I HAD JUST ENOUGH TO GET KIANA'S UPCOMING CATGIRL OUTFIT BUT I SPENT A LITTLE MORE TO GET PARDOFELIS'S OUTFIT! rn i just need to make like 1.2k xstals back and i can rest. which is a pretty easy task, i think. (you can get many xstals a week and more even if you're f2p in the game

as for today the 19th was super fun!!! i thought it was gonna be so boring because every friday we learn just 3 classes and then we can just go home. many times ive gone out with my friends on fridays but i remember theres also been many times where i just straight up went home cuz. yeah. but today i decided to go study with my friends at a study space!! before we went to the study space, we went to some noodle place, and the small bowls were Tiny. like. everyone had to order 2 bowls to feel full except me cuz i'm still taking it easy with my anxiety- the noodles were gooood tho!!! i ordered some yen ta fo, and i practically finished the whole thing! except one small meatball < / 3 and me and one of my friends ordered lod chong after. unfortunately i didn't finish the whole thing, but i finished a bit more than half of it!

then we went to the study space!!! soo i actually had never gone there before until today, so i had to do some registration stuff, it took time to fill out information but it was all worth it there was no fee!?!? so we went in and the space has good AC and it's quiet, perfect for studying. but it was a bit too quiet. so we went to a spot near some cafe (that was still within the space) so we could talk a bit louder and not whisper like we're making an asmr video. HAHA

and the studying went great!!! my super gorgeous and kind friend made some flashcards with french verbs on them and had us try to memorize them and its meanings, etc. it was very productive!! (੭˃ᴗ˂)੭ and super fun too!!!

i'm thinking of definitely going back there to study again. literally today was such a good day. i found an environment that's perfect for me (and my friends) to study in and i can really be productive there if i really try!!

so yeah, that was all! now the weekend is here. on sunday i have to tune in for my a level french course. wish me luck! i am going to stay focused and love studying. (manifesting)

OK SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING FOR A FEW DAYS... a LOT of things happened so buckle up

i did not tell you guys about this, but it's gotten so bad i have to tell you now...

so I have been developing anxiety??? like since a month ago, while eating i'd suddenly feel so stressed and literally STOP breathing and then i'd feel so nauseous. the first time this happened, i just thought yk maybe i just lost rhythm like i just didnt chew the food properly. but since then, it has worsened so much to the point where i look at food and i feel so nauseous. and i don't want to eat anything. today, (well technically yesterday bc im writing this at 1:39 AM the 17th) was my first day back at school, first day of senior year, during lunch i ordered some noodles... and i could only eat very small bites. my friends' bowls were already almost empty while i felt so stressed i barely ate any in mine. so i told them about it and they told me i should go to the doctor. so i did. and the doctor told me that it's definitely stress and anxiety because it's not physical like if i genuinely had a stomach disease i should have had more symptoms related to acid reflux, vomiting etc. and my body can still swallow things just fine, it's just this anxiety has been affecting me so much i couldn't eat.

which honestly... makes a lot of sense. i've been feeling so stressed about my A level french exam that's coming up later this year, and literally the more stressed i got = the worse my behavior got.

so the doctor told me i should go see a psychiatrist for further help, and that psychiatrist could give me stress reducing pills, but it'd affect my studying. so she said i should first try to change my behavior by myself first before going on any stress reducing meds.

i'll try my best... i don't know if i can do it but i'll try. I WON'T FALTER. I WON'T SUCCUMB TO THIS STOOPID ANXIETY. I HAVE THE INDOMITABLE HUMAN SPIRIT IN ME.

so yeah, that's one really big thing that's happened. i have to fight against anxiety now. sigh

pls support my battle w anxiety guys.. meowww

soo, today was something. it was quite uneventful but also.. eh. right now, it is 1:19 AM, may 13th. but since i'm talking about the whole day yesterday i just put the date as yesterday. I KNOW IT'S CONFUSING but bear with me. everything will settle in a few days. when i go back to school, i'll be forced to keep a normal sleeping schedule so there'll be no confusion about the dates then. but anyways..

firstly, today i woke up at 2:40 PM. i got out of bed at 3. i actually set loud alarms for 11 and 12 AM but i just turned them off and went back to sleep. i guess i'm lazy and sleepy all the time like a real cat. then, a revelation happened: one of my best friends, who is really REALLY smart with french, is gonna study in the same course as mine!!! i have no idea if she's found this out yet - but oh man, i really hope i won't fall behind!! Kind stranger reading this, please lend me your prayers. (,,>﹏<,,) and if she somehow found this website - hi, i really think of you highly like you are seriously such an icon. you are so helpful and lovely and gorgeous.

then i decided to look up about the important tests i'll have to take this year. honestly they seem... but i have to try my best. i really hope i get extremely good scores and get into every college i apply to. ✮✮✮✮✮

thirdly, i saw some very violent lesbiphobia on twitter today. i felt so mad. it's like some people genuinely can't comprehend that some people just aren't attracted to men. i don't want to get into it here, but i'll just say it's so disgusting and disappointing to see so many people be like this so overtly online.

lastly, i finished higurashi rei today. i initially didn't wanna watch it cuz the sypnosis. but since it was very recommended i finished it and yeah it's great. i enjoyed it!!!

finally, i'm thinking of making some shrines here. one for cats, of course!! Meow!!! meow! meow. its very random i know but it'd be nice to have a page full of cats and for me to embrace my catgirl self there. and another one for my uhh fictional boyfriend.. teehee.. also, you may have noticed some new links in my navigation section!! tada! now you guys can comment in my little guestbook at any time! as for my webmaster/about me link - no promises. so, you can expect that it may take a long long time to be finished. i just put it there since most people wanna know more about the webmaster of a website they follow, so it has to be made eventually. but not neow. lemme be lazy... as for the other blank link spaces, i'm thinking of maybe doing a scrapbook page or somethin. the other link could be an archive of some sort. in case too many entries are on this page right now. we'll see what happens!

P.S. Also today i got my first follower!!! if you're reading this, you know who you are!!! your site is super cool and thank you for following me!! it'd be weird to just blurt your name here without your permission so idk hahddhd i wanted to celebrate this milestone tho c:

MEOW!!! MEOW WORLD! IM K. AND THIS IS MY FIRST ENTRY. YAYAYAY. hello stranger! you can call me "k.", i'm 17 and i'm a catgirl!! meow! so the reason why im starting this is cuz i want to write a diary to, well, keep accountability for myself for some sorts? idk. i'm about to enter my senior year, and i'm about to have to study lots and lotsss of french. and i have to really keep up this year!! i gotta make the most of it! so i'm going to update this little thingy everyday at the end of each day, for anyone peeking here to see my progress. and for me to keep accountability for my studying. also, catgirl is not SERIOUSLY my identity it's just ironically. but i WILL be meowing as much as i want to here. i'm not weird, okay! just let me be a silly catgirl in this corner of the internet in peace. (¬_¬")

so, i'm still not really sure how i'm going to sort out my entries. truth be told, i've dipped my toes into coding before, but it's very basic stuff compared to the amazing stuff i've seen here. like i never knew how to do pagination, and i still don't know how to do that. it seems complicated. so i think i'll just put like a scrollbox thingy here once i reach a certain amount of entries.

right now, it's 3:48 am. so today hasn't actually started yet. my days usually start at 12-2 pm nowadays. (i'm currently on a school break right now, it's ending on tuesday) and i'll try to fix it after i finish higurashi rei, gou, and gotsu!! i really want to finish everything. i really hope it will be possible for me to watch everything quickly before tuesday. a..andddd finish my french summer homework... do you guys think it will be possible? (ó﹏ò｡) *insert hanyuu's HAUUU...*